Dreams of Tears
by Binkeee
Don't send flames. I will destroy them. Binkeee becoming a bit snippy? Yes. Binkeee is being snippy 'cause this is really happening in Binkeee's life. And Binkeee (who is speaking in third person) does not need salt in her wounds.
DISCLAIMER: Sam is Marvels. I am mine. Hodges Garden belongs to the great state of Louisiana. No money is made off of this. And to those to whom know what I am going through, God be with you and heal your broken heart.. And to those that don't may God bless you as well.
How do I feel?
Tell me how the hell I'm suppose to feel, tell me what you want me to say, and I'll say it. You broke my heart, just like you did his and vise versa. I can't stand to laugh, I can't stand to cry, and even as I feel the warm droplets run down my cheeks.
I brush them away quickly, you tell me it's alright to cry, that you and Dad did it a lot lately. But at least you planned this, I didn't I wouldn't. I know what I do when I don't want to feel what ever I feel, I build walls, sturdy and strong, hide my hearts pain with a smile. A laugh or two and you think that I'm getting use to the idea.
You really don't understand what it's like, your parents died baring the same love which they originally started out with. I can't say that about you and Dad, not anymore. God, I want to be struck by lightening.
I can't believe how completely stupid I've been about this. I should have seen the forced smiles, the hours ya'll didn't come out of ya'll's bedroom. Why didn't I notice this then, Mom? Why didn't I think and try to put the pieces together? Any moron would have realized, gee, Mom is gone to Georgia for the weekend, Dad's sitting in his room crying more than a newborn baby, and they keep everything they say hush hush.
Maybe if I'd actually have been smart, I'd have done just that. I wish, somewhere deep down, that I had the courage to slap my face and tell myself life happens. I can't fight and I can't press the rewind button and try to change ya'lls story.
I also wish that I had the courage to tell you what's going through my broken heart, like Highway 101 says.
I'm a walkin' talkin' barely beatin' broken heart.
Yeah, I talked a lot and you said it gave me away. You said, Mom, that I always talk a lot, but you said I talked almost too much, and way too loud. Maybe I was trying to drown out the words you were about to tell me.
So what did this sixteen year old junior do? I ran away.
I drove away actually, to the place that I remembered best and frequently, Hodges Garden.
Wasn't it just a month ago that you, me, Dad and Breanna seemed so happy? Wasn't it then that you put up ya'lls mask? I sit here and wonder when exactly did ya'll fall out of love? And why do you want to leave? You say you'll let me come up any time I want, you say that your only thirty minutes away.
Don't you realize how much of a different that makes? You were always just down the hall, right past my bedroom wall. I can't believe your actually going to leave me behind.
"You look blue." I hear a soft and deep southern accent come from a shaded area not far from the bench I sit on. It's not the southern accent that makes me look up, I am in Louisiana after all. But the fact that I know no one around here, that someone actually talking to me is very surprising.
"What's wrong?" The clearly older man asks me. His blond hair wind blown and combed back into a sloppy short ponytail. I look up at him, a kind smile on his lips, and crystal blue eyes, something a kin to concern in them.
"Nothin'." I lie to him, why should a complete stranger know my problems? Of course Dad offered the psychiatrist in case I needed to talk about what I am going through with anyone.
"When someone with eyes as red as yours says somethin's wrong, there's somethin' really wrong." I glare up at him, my chin propped in my hands, my brown eyes safely hidden behind dark sunglasses. Which leads me to wonder how this mystery man knew that I had been balling a second before.
"It's not important." He looks at me and walks over and takes a seat beside me.
"Come on, Ah don't think a pretty girl such as yoahself would cry for the heck of it." He smiles before sticking out his hand. "Ah'm Sam."
I reach out my own hand, causing me
to sit up. We shake hands, my sadden
smile never flattening.
"What's your name?"
"Jamie." I tell him. He smiles and nods. I put my chin back into my hands.
"So Jamie what's got you so down?" Sam's honey and deep voice asks me. I shrug. "Wait don't tell me, yoah parents, " I fell my shoulders tense up. " They found out about your boyfriend?"
"No." I laugh half-heartedly. "Ah wish it was somethin' that simple." The tears start to roll out from beneath my dark shades.
"Is it somethin' ta do with your boyfriend?" Sam asks sweetly. Placing a hand on my shoulder.
I shake my head, covering my eyes with my trembling hands. He almost got it. Almost.
"Your-parents?" I sob out, a yes answer to his question. I feel him pull me into an embrace, I don't fight back like I usually would. I don't usually allow strangers to hold me and let me cry on their shoulders.
"What's happenin'? Is one of them dyin'?" I shake my head vigorously, keeping my hands between him and me.
"Are they-" Sam pauses, trying to think of another situation. I cry hard, my body starts to shake all over, God, I want to throw up. "Divorcing?"
"No," I cry softly out, pushing myself off of him "jus' separatin'."
I'm so happy that I can't stop crying, I'm laughing through my tears, laughing through my tears.
"Ah'm so sorry." He says sympathetically. I shrug and wipe my tears away, my eyes start to sting because of the salty build up on my hands.
"Yeah well." I answer. I chance a look at him and then turn away to examine the growth of ivy near us.
"Yeah well'?" Sam questions. "Where are they now?"
"At home, packin' up my Mom's stuff. She's the one movin' out." I explain.
"Ah know what your feelin', girl. Trust me." He sighs and runs his fingers through his tasseled blond hair.
"Your parents-did the same thing?" I glance at him, tears still present. He shakes his head no, and sighs again.
"Ah know about loosin' a parent though, my Daddy died when Ah was about your age. Ah could remember thinkin' that there wasn't a chance on Earth it could happen to me. Until it did."
"Like a punch in the gut." I mutter, he nods. "How'd you deal with it?"
"Ah didn't. Ah jus' did the best Ah could. Threw myself into all sorts of activities, anything to keep that pain from eatin' at my soul." God, Sam does know what I'm feeling. To the T. Both of us let a tear slip past our eyes.
The oceans a little bit bigger tonight, two more teardrops somebody cried...realized in a moment of pleasure or a moment of pain.
"Yeah." I whisper. "Ah know. You want to ignore all the hurt that runs through you, fills your every wakin' moment. Until you think that your nothin' but a-unwanted piece of-junk. You don't have a heart any more cause it's been hidden so well under smiles and drowned in tears." I trail off. He doesn't need to hear my soap box of pain.
Sam looks at me, his blue eyes so sad. I bite my lower lip and start to get up, but I feel strong arms pull me back and hug me tightly. I amaze myself, and wrap my arms around him. Returning the embrace, crying softly into his shoulder.
"Doncha worry, girl. You'll survive." Sam whispers into my ear. "Ah know you will. Ah know it, and Ah believe in it."
He faded away, and my arms wrap around myself as the beautiful scenic world I created fades into black. I sit in the void and cry. Sam's voice whispers in my ears as I wake up from the dream. /I just have to believe that I can get through this/. Clamping my eyes shut, my heart is still heavy. But my mind created what allowed the pain to be alleviated from me a bit.
I look to the Crucifix on my wall. /Thank you Jesus./ I let the small praise go through my mind, before I roll over and drift back into my dream world.
So let them talk about us
Let them call us funny things
People sometimes do
I don't care as long
As you know I love you
Oh, and you know I do
The first song in italics is "Broken
Heart" by Highway 101 (I'm not certain about the title).
The second " " "I'm so
happy" by Toby Keith and Sting "
The third " " "Two
teardrops" by Steve Wariner
The fourth " " "I'll
Take Care Of You" by Dixie Chicks.