by Desert Nomad
It was hot today. My brain got fried. :)
Disclaimer: X-Force, all related characters and likenesses thereof are the sole property of Marvel comics. I am using them without making a profit. Because, you see, if you send me money, I'll be forced to either a) send it back, or b) send it to Marvel. Well, let's think about that. I spend most of my money on comics anyway, so...aw, never mind. No one's sending me any money. Don't sue me. Judged on the context of this story, I could win my case on insanity. Contact before archiving, you know the drill.
"I'm hot..." Tabitha Smith whined. "It's gotta be, like, a hundred and seventy degrees in here!"
"It's ninety-six degrees, quit yuir bellyachin'," the team leader, Teresa Cassidy snapped. Her bangs were plastered to her forehead with sweat and she absently wondered if it was hot in San Francisco. And if Wade would mind a visitor.
"Caliban likes the heat," Caliban announced.
"Meltdown does not!" Tabby replied.
"Fekt. On my homeworld--"
"--we were too busy eluding the murderous dogs of Mojo to notice the heat," the entire team chorused in unison. Shatterstar grunted and returned to polishing his swords.
"Funny," James Proudstar observed. "After all that time in Camp Verde, we still freak out in ninety-degree weather. We've got to be THE most weather non-tolerant team."
"Caliban likes the heat."
"SHUT UP!" Suddenly, a thoughtful look crossed Tabby's face. It wasn't often that this happened, but when it did, it always, ALWAYS meant trouble.
"Yo, Ric."
"What?" Richter was sitting with his butt in the refrigerator. Much to Cyclops' chagrin, X-Force had moved it into the living room so they could eat and watch TV at the same time.
"Get up, ye lazy oaf, it's my turn in the 'fridge," Terry snapped.
"Is not, I've still got five more minutes." Tabby was still working on her idea.
"Do you remember what we used to do back when we were in the X- Terminators and it got this hot?"
"No... wait! Yes, I do! Si! Tabitha, you're a genius!" He jumped out of the fridge, to have his spot quickly taken over by Teresa.
"Caliban thought it was Caliban's turn in the refrigerator."
"I thought Caliban liked the heat," Terry snapped in a whiny imitation of Caliban. Bobby DaCosta, who had been thus too far enmeshed in the rerun of "Magnum, PI" on the television to talk looked over at Terry.
"Terry, babe, you're getting scary."
"I hate the heat. An' I think I'm sittin' in jello."
"Okay, guys," Jimmy finally said. "I'll bite. What's your great idea?" Ric and Tabby grinned together.
"The Slip'n'Slide!"
"Tab. Do we even HAVE the Slip'n'Slide anymore?" After rooting around through the various boxes of "stuff" in Xavier's basement for an hour, the Slip'n'Slide remained ever elusive. They're already found Forge's spare leg, two of Kitty Pryde's training bras and a pair of strange red sunglasses that indicated the yes, indeed, Scott Summers HAD been on something during the seventies.
"Well, let's see, when was the last time we saw it?"
"Um, right before the Inferno."
"Oh my God! We must've left it on the Ship!" Richter scratched his head.
"Tabitha, are you saying that Apocalypse is now in possession of our Slip'n'Slide?"
Sunspot's head perked up from where he and Jimmy had become immersed in Bobby Drake's collection of Mad magazine back issues. "That's really sick." Just then, Terry appeared amid the piles of junk, wearing a wig that looked like it had once belonged to a member of the Mod Squad. Or possibly Greg Brady.
"What d'ye think?"
"Dude!" Bobby exclaimed, flashing her a double-thumbs up.
"Muy impressive, mijita," Ric agreed.
"Where did you find that thing?" Tabby exclaimed.
"Over there, among the bell bottoms and someone's official Evil Knieval jumpsuit." She took it off and shaking out her hair, examined it. "Tag says: property of...um, I think I'd better put this away now."
"Whose is it?"
"C'mon, Ter!"
"Don't leave us hangin'!"
"P. Logan. I really think I oughtta put this thing--" She was cut off by roars of laughter. Richter was the first to recover.
"Just had a thought, Tab. Look, X-Factor probably cleaned out the Ship 'fore they left, right?"
"Yeah, probably. So?"
"So ol' Poccy doesn't got our Slip'n'Slide. Scott Summers does."
"I'm not talkin' to him!"
"It was your idea!"
"Caliban likes the heat."
"You're the leader, you go talk to him!"
"Nay, I will not!"
"Where's Shatterstar?"
"Who cares?"
"You do it, Bobby!"
"Heck, no."
"Magnum would do it."
"Oh... okay." Bobby DaCosta steeled himself.
"Go on," Tabby urged. Scott Summers was snoring at the edge of the dock with a fishing pole in his lap. The bait had fallen in the pond over an hour ago.
"Mr. Summers? Uh, Mr. Summers?" Bobby scratched his head.
Tabby tapped her foot on the dock. "Yo, Cyke!" Scott jumped up, looking around.
"Oh, it's just you kids." A collective grumble ran through X-Force. "What?"
"Have you seen, the uh... Slip'n'Slide?"
"The what?"
Bobby licked his lips nervously. "Y'know. The Slip'n'Slide."
"You know," Tabby interrupted. "The Slip'n'Slide. The one you bought us back when we were in the X-Terminators. After we promised not to tell Jean about--"
"Oh, THAT Slip'n'Slide! Oh, geez. What do you want that thing for?"
"We're hot."
"We've got a perfectly good lake to swim in." Six pairs of eyes stared at the lake. Then back at Scott Summers.
"With all due respect, Senor Summers," Ric started, "There are things living in that lake that could fend off the Dark Riders."
"Well... yeah."
"So where's our Slip'n'Slide?"
"I don't know, what'd you do with it?"
"We can't remember. We figured you had it after we all moved out of the Ship." Richter racked his brain.
"Dontcha remember? It was in that box covered entirely with duct tape and Smurf stickers? The one Jean kept trying to throw out?"
"Oh, yeah. Now I remember! Sold it at a yard sale last year." X-Force was silent for a moment. "You kids want anything else?"
"That was fun while it lasted," Terry sighed.
"You don't think Cable'll be mad at us for roughing up his dad, do you guys?" Sunspot said.
"How many ribs do you think we cracked?"
"Least six."
"I wanna hear him explain that black eye." X-Force was trickling back into their living room. Terry stopped dead when she walked in the door.
"An' what do ye think ye're doin', Mister?" Shatterstar was sitting in the fridge. Richter, who had walked in behind Terry crossed his arms.
"What happened to 'eluding the murderous dogs of Mojo'?" Shatterstar looked thoughtful for a moment.
"They are not here."
"GET HIM!"
Tabby scanned the classifieds. "Do you believe it? No one's got a spare Slip'n'Slide for sale?" She squirmed around, adjusting her seat on Shatterstar's head. "This bites."
"I've been thinkin'," Terry said. "Who would come t'the X-Men's yard sales?"
"Magneto?"
"Excalibur?"
"Val Cooper?"
"That lady down the street with all the dogs that she dresses in the little pink sweaters and who smells like gingerbread?" All eyes turned on Jimmy. "Heightened senses," he swiftly covered.
"Let's face it, ladies and gents. That Slip'n'Slide could be anywhere."
"Taki's probably got it in his basement."
"Where is he, anyway?"
"Um... Madripoor."
"Really?"
"Well, everyone ends up there eventually."
"So what do you guys wanna do?"
"Monopoly?"
"NO. Tabby cheats."
"Do not. 'Berto cheats."
"No Monopoly. Let's leave it at that."
"Sega?"
"Mmmph!"
"What, Shatty?" Tabitha relinquished her seat.
"Jubilee broke it the last time she was here."
"We could go beat up Gen X."
"Naah. Too easy."
"We could put a frog in Storm's bed again. That's always good for a laugh."
"You weren't the one who got their butt fried!"
"We could go hang out at the Taco Bell and tell everyone what goes in the meat."
"You had a really crappy childhood, didn't you, Jimmy?"
"We could have a chug-a-lug."
"No, Terry."
"Wet t-shirt contest!"
"I donnae think so."
"Karaoke?"
"Naah."
"Magnum?"
"NO!"
A collective sigh went through the room. X-Force was officially bored. Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it!" Terry announced. She bounced up to go get the door.
"I wonder who it is," Jimmy said, with the tone of voice of one who doesn't really care who it is, but wants to make idle conversation.
"I hope it is those Girl Scouts again. They peddle most edible confections."
"You're weird, 'Star."
"Hi, Wade!" Terry's voice rang out from the door.
"Maaaaan," Jimmy whined. "He's so obnoxious."
"He's probably gonna beat us up again," Ric sighed.
"And then make fun of us," Tabby added. Terry walked in the room, followed by Wade, who was obviously too hot and bored to even bother with the image inducer. No one much cared: after an unfortunate run-in with Domino and her overnight facial lotion, Deadpool's acne was nothing.
"Hi, Wade," everyone chorused.
"Wade's gonna sit around and be bored with us," Terry said.
"What's the matter, Wade, couldn't find any puppies to torture?"
"Y'know, Tabitha, I'm too bored to even come up with a snappy rejoinder for that." Shocked expressions ensued. Wade must be bored. He sighed. "I even went to my bar to find someone to hang with, but no one wanted to come over and play on the ol' Slip'n'Slide." Silence.
"Y-you have a Slip'n'Slide?"
"Yeah." Wade looked around at the seven suddenly-jubilant faces. "You want me to call Al and tell her to warm up the hose?"
Tabitha Smith took a running leap and slid on her stomach. She collided with the heap of Ric, Wade, Jimmy and Terry that was piled at the bottom. Caliban was waiting for his turn. Shatterstar and Wade's roommate Al had spent the afternoon stalking the others with water balloons.
"Wade, I take back every nasty thing I ever said about you," Jimmy announced.
"Yeah, you're pretty cool after all," Tabby grudgingly agreed. Wade wiped away an imaginary tear.
"I... I don't know what to say. I'm so touched... I might have to break into song!"
"Do an' I'll kill ye," Siryn warned, but she was smiling. Caliban hit the stack and ended up knocking Ric into the grass. He stood up to go take his turn.
"Hey, Tab, I had a thought."
"What?"
"Whatever happened to OUR Slip'n'Slide?"
"Come, rejoice with me, my servant."
Ozymandias tremored before his lord. "Sir, I'd rather not."
"Have you a fear of the water? It is refreshing and cool."
"Sir, I'd really rather not."
"Aw, Ozy, lighten up." A look of terror crossed the ancient king's face as he was pushed down an ancient, patched-up Slip'n'Slide with the words "Iceman's a dork" and "Hank has fleas" scribbled on it in magic marker. He looked back at his master as his head came in contact with the wall. He suddenly understood why they were for "outside use only." I hate this job, he thought to himself.
The End