A Love Hate Kinda Thing

by Desert Nomad


Disclaimer: The characters of X-Force and X-Force itself belong to Marvel comics. Monopoly and Connect Four belong to Parker Brothers. Sonic belongs to Sega. The game of insults belongs to me, although it was based on the game of questions from the movie "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead." Good movie. Very good movie.

"With this love/hate kinda thing...
Why do you
say it's black, I know it's white,
What can't we
just call it quits without a fight?
I don't think you're very smart,
You don't think I'm very pretty,
Guess we never thought at all,
And it seems like such a pity."
--"Sleeping Dogs," by Merrill Bainbridge (originally (I think) by the BeeGees)


"Give 'em back!"


"Give them back, you twerp!"

"Mmm... nah."

"C'mon, Bobby!" Roberto DaCosta settled the pair of green sunglasses on his nose.

"I don't know, Smith. I think they look pretty good on me."

"Well, I don't. You look like a moron no matter what you're wearing."

"Friend-Sunspot looks funny," Caliban agreed. Bobby's overconfident&127; demeanor was shaken for a second, but he cleared his throat.

"I might be persuaded to give them back... for ten thou, Marvin Gardens, and Boardwalk immunity." Tabitha Smith frowned.

"Three, two..." she mumbled under her breath.

"Yow!" Bobby exclaimed, jumping up, and rubbing his singed backside. Tabby snatched her sunglasses back, and set them up on her forehead.

"What was that you were saying? You just rolled an eight? Well, look, that puts you (gasp) right on Boardwalk, with, what's that? not one, not two, but three hotels?" She started to do the math in her head. "Thirty thousand, seven hundred. Thank you for doing business with Meltdown, Inc."

"Are ye sure ye--" Teresa Cassidy started. Tabby clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Why, yes, Terry, it is my turn to go." She flashed her best game show host smile. "Oriental Avenue."

"Whoohoo!" Richter shouted. "Someone finally landed on my property!" He jumped up, and proceeded to do a victory dance. Tabitha wasn't amused.

"How much?"

"Three bucks. Pay up." Tabby handed over the play money.

"Your turn, Ric."

"Seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Community chest. Buy a cat. Pay $25. NO!"

"Give it up, Ric, it's $25."

"Yeah, fine. I'm broke."

"You're broke? How can you be broke?" Bobby exclaimed.

"I'm really bad at Monopoly, okay?"

"Do not feel bad, friend-Richter. Caliban is broke, too."

"Fekt," Shatterstar said from his seat in the corner. "It is a stupid game. That is why I refuse to play."

"Don't see how anyone else has a chance," Terry broke in. "With ye two hoggin' all the properties an' all the cash."

"It's called being competitive," Bobby said calmly. "Of course, not just anyone could beat a math major like Smith."

"You should talk, you can't even pronounce half the properties right."

"Ha. It's called suckin' all the fun out of the game," Terry interrupted. "I quit. Here, Ric, ye can have my money."

"No, thanks, Ter. You're right. I'd be broke in two moves, anyway. C'mon, Shatty, let's beat it," he said, grabbing Shatterstar on his way out.

"Have fun at yuir wargames. I'm goin' t'th'kitchen t'see if I can scrape up anything chocolate."

"Caliban is coming too, friend-Siryn!" Caliban exclaimed.

"Aw, you're just sore 'cause you're havin' man trouble," Tabby sniffed.

"Sore losers," Bobby grumbled. "Now, roll, sister."

"Doubles! Ten. Electric company."

"Ha! I own the electric company!"

"Yeah, but I've got immunities, you buttmunch."

"No, you don't!"

"Do, so! You gave them to me to get out of paying the last time you landed on Reading Railroad."

"No, I gave you immunity to the red properties and one Get Out of Jail card."

"Terry remembers."

"Aw, don't bother her. This game is boring with only two people, anyway."

"You admitting you lose?"

"No way. Not to a slack-off like you."

"Then we keep on playing."

"Better idea. Let us take this game elsewhere. Choose your battleground, Smith."

"I challenge you to a game of Sonic, the Hedgehog."

"You're on."


"Ha, ha, HA! You missed the final Chaos Emerald! Say good-bye to those bonus points, Boom-Boom!" Tabby narrowed her eyes at Bobby, and thrust the controller to him.

"Think you can do any better? Go ahead, it's your turn, hotshot." The obnoxious theme music started up for what seemed like the eightieth time. Suddenly, a door slammed. Both young mutants turned to see their fearless leader, Cable, standing in the doorway in a bathrobe, with his hair sticking up and his eyes even more bloodshot than usual.

"Smith and DaCosta," he started. "It is one a.m. TURN THAT DAG- BLASTED THING OFF!!!" Smiling so hard his face hurt, hoping Cable wouldn't kill him, Bobby reached over and turned off the tv.

"Good night, sir."

"Don't let the bedbugs bite," Tabby added.

"Frickin' frackin' kids playin' their video games as all sortsa ungodly hours..." Bobby and Tabby sat on the couch for several minutes. Then, slowly, they turned to one another.

"Connect Four."

"You're on!"


"Well, that's the eighth consecutive time we've filled the board without anyone winning. Ready to call it quits?" Tabby screwed up her face.

"So you want me to admit a loser like you could beat me?"

"Actually, I was big enough to settle for a tie, but not anymore. I challenge you, Miss Tabitha Smith of Pennsylvania, to a battle of insults."

"A battle of insults? I accept."

"As a gentleman, I shall allow you to start."

"You wouldn't know a gentleman if one introduced himself with the word gentleman in his title."

"You obviously wouldn't know one either, judging by the kinds of men you pick up on the street."

"There certainly aren't any in this house."

"Insult not directed at game player. Foul."

"You're the one who's foul."

"So's your room."

"So're your armpits."

"You smell like a fowl."

"You look like a fowl."

"How do you know you're not looking in a mirror?"

"Because if a mirror was within twenty feet of you, it would crack."

"That's because I'm too good-looking for it."

"Personal defense. Point." Bobby grimaced.

"When was the last time you've even used a mirror? Mid-eighties?"

"You wouldn't know, you were too busy angsting over Magnum getting shot."

"Foul! No Magnum busts!"


"You were too busy being in love with him."

"So were you."

"You look like the fat girl on "The Facts of Life"."

"Non-sequitur. Foul."

"Was not a non-sequitur. They're all tv shows."

"Fine, fine. Didn't I see you on "Bill Nye" last week? It was the episode about endangered species that deserved to die out."

"Didn't I see you on "Wishbone" last week? You were the dog."

"You watch "Wishbone.""

"You watch "Barney.""

"You watch Phoenix in the shower."

"Not an insult. Point."

"You can't even get your own girlfriend, so you have to drool over other peoples'."

"When Sam found out he was immortal, he couldn't tell the dif, because dating you already felt like forever!"

"Yeah, well your girlfriend up and died, she couldn't stand you!"

"I bet you kiss like a Labrador!"

"I bet you kiss like a Broodling!"

"You're never going to find out!"

"Wanna bet?!" With that, Tabby grabbed the front of his shirt, and kissed him full on the lips. After the initial shock, Bobby relaxed, and found himself almost enjoying it. That was right before the stomping down the stairs by an irate man with a metal arm.

"SHUT UP, DOWN THERE! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" Tabby jerked away, and wiped off her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Fine. Good night, Roberto." Showed him, she thought smugly to herself, as she went off to bed.

"Fine," Bobby echoed. I'll bet she thought she was gonna win, he thought. I sure showed her.


The End

Back to Archive