Mommy Loves You
by Threnody
Disclaimer: Nate and Dom don't belong to me. Please don't sue.
Author's note: Um... gee. This is the first story I've ever posted. Feedback of *any* kind would be especially adored and promptly replied to. Many thanks to Shai and Phrykyh for betas, Kiko, Indiana, Meg, and FreezeFrame for general opinions, and of course to Timesprite for help and encouragement.
Note2: This deals with potentially disturbing/offensive and definitely controversial material. Nothing graphic, but I thought I'd mention it.
I *do* love you.
I know it may not seem like it. I know that as the years have passed, it seems like I've forgotten. I haven't. I hold you all here, in my heart.
I wasn't selfish. I didn't do it because you would have ruined my life. I did it for you. I did it so you wouldn't get stuck with me for a mother. I did it so you wouldn't be used as a pawn against me. I did it so you'd be spared. They would have found you, in any safehouse I put you in or home that adopted you. They're powerful, my enemies. And they'll do anything it takes to get to me, even if it means going through my children.
My children. God, it feels so weird to say that.
I wish... that you didn't have to pay for my lifestyle. I wish that I could have given you a stable life, with the dog and the father and the picket fence and the house in suburbia. I wish I could have held you, each of you, just once.
To let you be born, to let you live... it wouldn't have been fair. To either of us.
I won't lie. I don't have any tears for you. It needed to be done. I couldn't let you live the life you would've if you'd been born.
I think of you, sometimes. Late at night, when Nate has his arm wrapped around my waist and I feel safe. You would've liked him. Oh, he can be a bastard sometimes, but deep down he's just a big teddy bear. And he would've *loved* you. But he can never know. In his head, he'd know it was for the best. But in his heart... I don't think he'd ever forgive me.
I don't need that. I have enough guilt of my own.
*sigh*
I guess I should go. I'll be late for my appointment.
I really want to keep this one. I want to hold her and watch her grow. I want to see the look on her father's face when he holds her for the first time. I want to see her living, breathing, crying, laughing.
But I can't.
I can't take the chance that something will happen to her. It's better for us all if she's never born.
Maybe if I say it enough, I'll believe it.
I never meant for it to be like this. I never wanted to give any of you up. I was so careful... always careful. But accidents happen. All of you happened. It breaks my heart, but you happened. And you died.
And here's another to join you.
Just... take care of her, okay? Whatever else, she's your sister. Watch out for her.
Thanks. I knew you'd understand.
I have to go now.
#Never forget... Mommy loves you.#
~fin~