Starting Points
by A.j.
Rating: PG-13 or R for language.
Disclaimer: If these characters were mine... but they aren’t. Instead, Domino (lovely creature that she is) belongs to Marvel, and Death... well, I think she belongs entirely to herself, but Neil Gaimen and DC have a few ties there somewhere. I am making no money from the use of these characters, nor do I intend to.
Archiving: If you want it, go ahead and take it.
Notes: Ohh, this. This little thing has been a thorn in my side for more than a year. When Alicia McKenzie first posted "So Long, Farewell...” (Go read it!) I really didn't know what to think. Death had always been a favorite character of mine (right along side the wonderful Domino) and I was sniffling pretty hard by the end of it. However, something that struck me *really* hard was the description of Domino, left behind.
What would she do? How would she cope with *this* when she's already had to cope with so much? And failed so masterfully? (That girl needs about 70 years of therapy and a Prozac dosage the size of New Guinea.) Out of that, this little dialogue demon was born.
I actually toyed with writing it in third person for awhile, but every time I tried, I found that my descriptions just couldn't do the dialogue justice. (If anyone's interested in taking a crack at it, gimme an email. Aj2245@yahoo.com.) So, in the end, I figured I might as well polish it up, as was, and put it out. I'm proud of this and hope you enjoy it.
*~*~*
The only difference between a starting point and an ending point is the perspective at which it’s seen.
*~*~*
"I'm not in Kansas anymore, am I?"
"Not in so many words. What gave it away?"
"I think the flying puppies in Batman pajamas did it."
"Ah. Usually it's the purple bananas. Hello."
"Um, hi."
"Welcome."
"Thanks, I guess. If you don't mind me asking, where is 'here'?"
"Do you want the literal answer?"
"I think I'll stick to my guesses. Can you tell me *why* I'm here? It's probably a better question, anyway."
"I think you know. You're in a very dark place right now. I'm here to help."
"By doing what? Precisely?"
"Talking. Lending an ear. It's been a long time since you've really talked to anyone."
"I talk plenty."
"No, you respond to what you hear. You've made yourself into a listener, Domino. I'd say it's time you let out what you've heard."
"You called me Domino. Why is that? Don't you use everyone's real name or something?"
"Isn't Domino your real name?"
"Not according to certain birth records."
"Birth records do not the woman make. You're avoiding the subject, you know."
"I know. I... I don't want to talk about it."
"If you didn't, I wouldn't be here."
"Who asked you, anyway?"
"Someone we both know. Someone who's worried about you. <pause> No, not him. He's in another place. Actually, the one who asked me to come was my brother. He's a persnickety sort. The guy wants all the details nailed down properly. Truth be told, he can be kinda pushy."
"I figured it wasn't *him*. But I *am* a bit surprised. He always swore that if I got this way after he died, he'd find a way to come back and kick my ass. I... I think I was looking forward to that."
"Hmm. Maybe he did find a way. Maybe I'm it?"
"I kinda hoped you'd be more Nate-shaped. As it is, you look like my kid sister. If I had one."
"I didn't notice that. I guess you're right. Wow, that is pretty weird."
"I thought you noticed and knew everything."
"Domino, I'm not God."
"Then what are you?"
"I think you know."
"I do."
"I thought so. You didn't do the normal Q&A thing. I have to say it was kind of odd."
"Sorry. Would it make you feel a little better if I followed the script?"
"It's up to you, but it would be comforting. Do you mind?"
"Ooookay... 'Who are you?'"
"I'm me."
"That's your normal answer?"
"Yup."
"And you've never been bodily attacked?"
"Wouldn't do much good."
"True. You're obnoxiously cheerful, you know that?"
"And you're stalling. Again."
"You say you're not all seeing, eh?"
"I didn't say that. I'm just not all knowing."
"I don't want to do this."
"I know. But you need to. If you don't, it'll just be harder."
"And I need that, huh? I don't know where to start."
"Jump right in. I've got time and I don't judge. That's not up to me. I'm just here to listen."
"Wait, why the hell should I tell you anything?"
"Because at worst, I could tell the entire afterlife about what you're going to say. That would only suck after you died, and by then, it really wouldn't be much of an issue. At best, I'm a hallucinatory dream that's nothing more than a figment of your mind's need to release some good, old fashioned emotion."
"You have a point there."
"Yep. Feel free to go ahead."
"Fine. I.. I *miss* him. Have you.. have you ever been in love?"
"I've loved. There have been few, but it has happened."
"But have you ever been *in* love?"
"I don't understand."
"You've loved, right? What did it feel like?"
"Um.. well, it was nice. Kind of bright and soft. Like a big leather duster that wrapped around me and kept me dry and warm."
"I've never heard it described like that."
"I'm original."
"You haven't been in love though."
"I haven't?"
"No. Being in love is different. Harder."
"What do you mean?"
"Being in love is like being thrown off a cliff. Everything's so open and huge and frightening and sickening and pulse pounding. You're completely vulnerable to pain, but at the same time, you're wrapped in this cloak of air. A thermal either way and you can be soaring through the brightest cloud or rock-pizza."
"I don't think I've heard it described like *that* before. If that's the way it is, I don't think I've ever been in love. At least not like that."
"I didn't think so. You wouldn't be so darn cheerful."
"Don't be too sure. Those rocks aren't very nice, are they?"
"Hmph. <pause> Hell no. <pause> Shit. <pause> It's like there's this huge piece of me missing. There used to be all this space in me that was filled to the bursting point with *him*. Everywhere I looked there he was. Even when our link broke that time... there was this little tiny bit of him he left behind. As scary and lonely as that time was, some part of me knew that it would be better, that he was okay because there was this little part of him in me. Then we got it back, and I was full again. He was back in my head and my heart and my bed where he belonged.
But now... now there's *nothing* there. EVERYTHING is gone and there's just me again. And it's so scary and hard. When.. when he was near me, no matter how bad a situation we were in, things were just smoother. I knew he was going to be there, behind me. Beside me. *With* me when it mattered. Shit, even when he went all insane on me, it was still okay because I knew there was something after.
Jesus. He made be believe *in* an after. Before I met him, I was a pretty screwed up kid. I'm not exactly the poster woman for mental stability now, but then... I didn't know there was anything else. My world was straightforward and meaningful in a meaningless way. I had my spot in the world and knew it. Then I met him and all these horizons opened up. Suddenly I could be something *more*. Something good. A part of a greater picture."
"You felt needed?"
"No. Yes.. I don't know. I felt like I could give something to him for giving me so much. Shit. He- he *knew* that he had worth. Purpose. He had a *goal* and it was *right*. When he offered to share that with me... It was like getting exactly what you wanted for Christmas. Better yet, it was like getting everything you *ever* wanted, or ever *will* want for Christmas all at once."
"And you didn't know how to deal with it?"
"No. Not in the least. I never did. I gave what I could, but now... I have this feeling that I didn't give enough."
"Because he died?"
"Strangely, no. It wasn't that. I know that him dying was inevitable. Everyone does."
"True."
"I feel like I didn't give him enough of a reason to stay. I mean, what did I offer him that was so special? He had a wife, a son... an entire *life* waiting for him there. Here? There were just the kids. And me."
"He loved you, Domino. You know that."
"Maybe. But he's not exactly here to tell me that, is he? I'm sorry. It's just... Thing is, I never really believed it. That he would die. Not him."
"Why not?"
"He kicked death in the teeth so many times, I just assumed he'd do it again. No offense."
"None taken. But he didn't, did he?"
"No. He didn't. And I can see why now. Hell, I could see then, I just didn't want to. I still don't."
"You don't want a lot of things, do you?"
"Hmph. No. But this especially. Nathan and Apocalypse... they were like yin and yang. If one went so did the other. I could see it..."
"But you denied it?"
"Yeah. It was the only thing I could do and stay sane. There was no other way it *could* have ended. If one died and the other didn't... it would have been worse. Things would have been unbalanced, wouldn't they?"
"That's not my place to say. I don't know."
"No... but I do."
"Are you sure?"
"As much as I can be about anything. Nate's life... He was what he was. I know that sounds all Zen and Askani, but I don't really know how to say it any better. He was like this fully formed *thing* from the moment of birth on. Whether he wanted it or not, life had a path for him, a plan."
"Yeah, he *does* remind me of my brother."
"Oh?"
"Yup. They're both stubborn bastards who do everything according to a rulebook and aren't always in touch with their inner moppets."
::snerk:: <pause> "You know, the worst part about this whole thing?"
"What's that?"
"I don't know what I'm gonna do next."
"How is that the worst? You never knew what you were going to do next."
"That's not true at all. Okay true, I didn't know *exactly* what I was gonna do. It's not like I had my life solidly planned out in utero. I guess you could say I always had options."
"You have options now."
"Yeah, but none of them feel all that right. I love the kids, I really do, but they don't need me anymore. They proved that pretty conclusively in the last few months. And the X-Men? Hah. No way in Hell. I could barely stand them when I had to live with them. Now? ::sigh:: I don't think I could really stand living in the same place as Scott and Jean."
"Why?"
"I wouldn't be sure whether or not to cry with them or kill them."
"Domino, it's not their fault all this happened."
"I know that. Mentally I know that. It's just... I don't know. There's so much, coulda, shoulda, didn't. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with them. And they can go on. They have the possibility of... well, of something *after*. Me? I'm a middle-aged, ex-mercenary with a shaky hold on my sanity."
"At least you know that much."
::glower:: "You know, before, I just kind of fell into things. Do you think I ever planned on getting this heavily into Nate's little crusade?"
"From the look on your face I'm gonna have to go with no."
"Damn straight."
"If you don't mind me asking, why did you stay?"
"You mean, why did I let it happen?"
"If that's the way you see it. Tell me?"
"You know I'm not entirely sure. I guess it had something to do with some of the stuff I said earlier."
"That explains loyalty in a friend, or ally. It doesn't explain why you stayed, as his lover, intermittently for ten years."
"Other than the fact he's dead sexy?"
::grin:: "I'll give you that."
"I don't know. I guess he made me feel..."
"Special? Sexy? Loved?"
"Yeah. All those. But mostly, he just made me *feel*. Whether he was screaming at me or screwing me silly he didn't let me go. He didn't give me time to stop and think, let alone close off like I did with other people."
"Other people let you close them out?"
"Yeah. It's like everyone tried to change me in some way. Bend me to their worldview. I couldn't let them do that. Nate didn't try. At least I didn't think he did."
"He did?"
"Yeah, sneaky bastard. I guess the way he did it was by accepting me for what I was, then expecting me to be... I don't know. Better? More? Any way you look at it, he pushed me. Challenged me. Made me think and work."
"That wasn't all though, was it?"
"No. He made me love. DAMN HIM. Why did he DO this to me!? This just HURTS. How did he do this? Why did I *let* him?"
"I don't think you had much say in whether or not you let him into your life, Domino. You can't always choose who you love."
"Do NOT pull that 'everything is written' crap. I didn't believe it before I met Nate, and I don't believe it now."
"Maybe you should."
"Ohhh. Was that just a straight answer I heard?"
"You're getting bitchy."
"I've been bitchy. This is just me realizing that you're the one who took Nate away."
"You didn't know that before?"
"..."
"Glaring at me isn't doing you any good. Besides, I didn't take him. I only stopped by to pick him up."
"I.. I know. This was Nate. And Apocalypse. It had to end, one way or another. The lives of billions of people stacked against the life of one man. It doesn't seem fair."
"Life isn't fair."
"I know. I just wish.. Well, that doesn't really do much good, does it?"
"Wishing? Oh, I don't know. Wishing is part of being human. If there's nothing left to wish for, there's nothing left to hope for. Without hope..."
"...there's nothing. Yeah, I know."
"That's wrong."
"What?"
"There is something left. It's just really sad and very scary."
<pause> "I really want to hate him."
"For leaving?"
"No. For making me feel."
"What do you feel now?"
"Angry. Really, really angry. At the universe, at Apocalypse, at *him*. And it hurts so much more because I feel guilty for that."
"For being angry that he died?"
"Yeah. I just keep thinking that I should be *happy* for him. He got what he wanted. Kind of."
"Death?"
"No. An ending. But it just *HURTS*. We were partners, you know? It's like.. it's like he just didn't *need* me."
"Domino, he *died*."
"I know, I know. That doesn't make me feel any less... left behind. Everyone he did this for is with him. Jenskot, Tyler, Tetherblood, Rachel... He came here, did this.. *DIED* so that they wouldn't have to go through what they did. I just can't help but feel that he's gotten the chance to be with the people he really loves and didn't so much as wave goodbye."
"You know that's not true."
"Do I? God, I'm just so *MAD* at him. He was just so solid and there. But he LEFT. And I'm *not* gonna see him again."
"You can't be sure of that."
"Can't I? Hmph. No, you can't answer that, can you? Something about the grand mystery and all that. You said your brother sent you. *Why* did he send you?"
"Because I'm the one you needed."
"Tell me what you would do if I tore my throat out right now."
"I'd take you with me. But I know you won't."
"Why's that?"
"Not to sound trite, but you have too much to do."
"What? What do I have left to do? Grieve? Fight? There are six billion other people on this planet just as capable to do those as I me. Some even more so."
"But none of them are *you*. None of them have your role."
"My *role*?! What the FUCK can I do? I was in this for *him*. That was *IT*. He brought me into this screwed up little fairy tale and now he's *gone*. Why the hell should I stay? What's it got for me? The one thing I wanted, the thing he helped me *understand* I wanted, is *over*."
"Who's fault is that?"
"Better watch out, your starting to fit your image."
"That was low."
"Maybe. I won't say I'm sorry."
"I don't expect you to."
"God. I am just *so* tired."
"Of what?"
"Hmph. Everything. Anything. I... I don't *want* to be more."
"That's not really yours to decide anymore, Domino. You made your choice and you're going to have to live with it. Your place has been determined and there's nothing you can do about it now."
"What the hell happened to those choices you were talking about earlier?"
"You have choices. They merely lead to the same end."
"What about my free choice!?"
"This is the Summers family we're talking about."
"Hey! I am NOT a Summers!"
"Are you sure about that?"
"I really don't like you."
"Few do."
<pause> "Can you at least tell me what my 'place' is?"
"What do you think?"
"I think you're going to be as stubborn and non-helpful as you've been on pretty much everything else."
"Give the girl a daisy, I think we have a winner. Maybe it's your turn, Domino."
"What?"
"It's your turn to help someone *else* be more. Just like Nathan did with you."
"You're crazy."
"Do you think Nathan didn't have this conversation with someone? Do you think he just woke up one morning knowing what to do and how to deal with it? In case you haven't thought about it, no he didn't. He wanted less to do with what was going to happen than you do now."
"H-how?"
"He had this thing drop on him a whole lot earlier. He's also had a couple centuries to deal with the situation."
"Wait... centuries!?"
"Time travel is a tricky business, Domino. Nathan did not have a short life."
"But centuries!?"
"Yes. He had a long time to deal with his role. He took you into his life for a reason, Domino. He sensed you would be strong enough to deal with being in his world. He loved you all the more for that very reason."
"He knew this was going to happen?"
"No. But he knew it was a probability. Why do you think he worked so hard to keep you at a distance?"
"That asshole."
"He was just trying to do his best to protect you..."
"I know! That stupid, repressed, idiotic, loutish, ENTIRELY SLOW, sanctimonious, oafish, SON OF A FLONQ! I don't BELIEVE he did this!!"
"Domino?"
"He... I... WE wasted _so_ much time. Just because of his overgrown, idiotic honor... That prick."
"What's wrong?"
"He pushed me away to save me from this? We wasted SO much time... and it happened anyway. If I ever see him again, he's gonna find out what a REAL beating feels like."
"You don't mean that."
"No. I don't. I can't believe he did that."
"Can't you?"
"Okay, I can. I just wish he hadn't."
"It still doesn't change the fact he did. He's passed the torch to you because you're the only one he knew could do it. What is... is."
"Fuck."
"That pretty much sums it up."
"Again, you are entirely unhelpful."
"Not really. You're just telling yourself that because you refuse to admit you feel even the slightest bit better. And you're dealing with having to go play 'clean up girl' to a situation that's spanned several thousand years."
"What the hell am I gonna do?"
"The same thing you always do."
"Run away?"
"You know yourself better than that, Domino. You've never run. Not really."
"That's bull-"
"No, it's not. Yeah, you've walked away. There's nothing wrong with that. You needed time to deal with what was going on in *your* head. As much as it hurt him, Nate knew that too. He didn't go after you because he knew you had to come back on your own terms. You had to deal with what was going on. Find a way to balance yourself out and stay afloat."
"But I *left* him!"
"No, you didn't. He allowed himself to be left because he knew that was what you needed. Listen to me, Domino. Look at me. Do you honestly think you could have gotten away from him if he hadn't let you?"
"..."
"Fine, don't admit it out loud. You know it's true. The other things... You realize that anyone else would have joined me a long time ago?"
"That's shit."
"No, it's not. By the very action of NOT calling me, you've proven you *didn't* run away."
"But.. but I-"
"You did what you had to do. That was all you *could* do."
::sniff:: "It's quiet here. Is it always like this?"
"Not always. Sometimes. When it needs to be."
"I.. I'm scared."
"I know."
"I don't want to go back. It's.. big."
"It always was. You just didn't notice it before."
::sniff:: "I miss him."
"Shhhhh. Let it out."
::sob::
"Go on. It really does help."
::sniff:: "The first time I ever saw him, I only wanted to do one thing. We were in this bar, in Canada. I was supposed to be trying out for the spot in the Pack. I was meeting him and Bridge, but I didn't know it was them. I was dressed nice. Not all dressy, but nice. I came in a bit late. Trouble with the taxi or something. When I walked through those doors to that hotel... I saw him sitting at the bar. His hair hadn't gone all gray yet, it still some reddish-brown. He looked so... sad. The whole reaction took less than a micro-second, but my first impression -the one they say counts the most- was that I wanted to make him smile. He had such a good face. I just wanted him to smile."
"Shhh. Go to sleep, Domino. You need it."
"You're gonna be gone when I wake up, aren't you? All this... It'll have just been a dream. A hallucination."
"I will be gone, yes. So will this place. It's a special place. Yours and mine. Just ours. It was only here as long as you needed it, and you don't anymore. You know what needs to be done. Shh. You know you do. You just need some time to figure it out. As for this being a dream, that's not my realm. Nor are hallucinations. You've met my sister and brother before. You know their handiwork."
"Yeah..."
"Sleep well, Domino. The road that has chosen you is not an easy one. Just know I'm here. I will be, if you need me. That dumb brother of mine keeps reminding me 'It is written' and all that garbage. Even if it wasn't, I'd be here. Remember that."
"'nk you..."
~Fin~