Cast Your Soul To The Sea
by Alicia McKenzie
DISCLAIMER: Characters are Marvel's, not mine. No money, don't sue. The lyrics at the end are copyright to Loreena McKennitt, and are used without permission for entertainment only.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the last installment of the Nocturne series I have planned. The previous 9 are available on the Dayspring Archive, Alternate Timelines, and a few other places. Many thanks to the #plotting crew, especially Duey and Lynxie for helping me SO much with these last two, and special thanks to everyone who's been so wonderful with the feedback for this series over the several months it's been running. I appreciate all of it, very much, and I hope you all enjoy the rest of this 'song' of mine. More feedback would be welcomed ecstatically. :)
As the fire hit him, Erik Magnus Lehnsherr screamed. It had nothing to do with a break in control, nothing to do with pride. The fire touched him, and he was incinerated in an instant, flesh and bone burned to ash that was carried away by a raging wind. . .
"Magnus."
He thrashed wildly at the cold whiteness enveloping him, reaching for powers that weren't there.
"It's snow, Magnus, stop it."
He opened his eyes, saw Jean staring down at him, her expression strained and weary but her eyes still hard and uncompromising. There was snow in her hair. Snow falling all around them. . .
He sat up, instinctively brushing the snow away, even though part of him pointed out stubbornly that it wasn't real. None of this was real. Cable hadn't just. . .killed him.
"What happened?" he asked hoarsely. The last thing he remembered was the desert catching fire around them.
"I'm not sure." Jean looked around, her features twisting with something close to helplessness, for a moment. "I thought he was going to kill you. But he pulled his attack at the last minute. . .sent us somewhere else."
"Why?" It seemed like a very important question, and one that he had no way to answer himself.
"I don't know, all right!" Jean snapped, getting to her feet and staring out into the blank whiteness. Magneto couldn't make out anything, trees or rocks or landmarks of any sort. "Maybe he changed his mind," she shot at him bitterly as he slowly got up. "You don't always have to kill people. Even if they're threatening you."
The accusation, though unspoken, was perfectly clear. Despite the resolve he had held onto since arriving at the mansion, to not let the silent anger and the accusing looks provoke him, his control, already frayed, began to crack.
He reached out and took her by the shoulders, with a grip that would have been bruising if any of this was real. "Don't you UNDERSTAND?" he shouted down at her, heedless of the likelihood that she could retaliate in some fashion if she chose. "Do you think I wanted THIS? ANY of it?"
"We don't always get what we want, Magnus," she said, making no move to pull away from him.
He'd had this conversation before. How many times did he have to repeat himself? "Damn you!" he swore at her, pushing her away. She staggered, but kept her balance.
How many times? How many times did he have to atone for something he'd never meant to do. . .for an accident, a trick of fate. . .for pain he'd never meant to inflict? He knew this sort of loss, had suffered it himself. . .
"I never meant to kill her! If I could change what happened, I WOULD!" He stared into Jean's eyes, willing her desperately to understand. "I never wanted to kill her, to harm any of them! I wanted those records back, wanted X-Force out of Genosha, but not this! Do you think me THAT heartless, Jean, that I could look those children in the eye when I got to the mansion and not understand what I've taken from them?"
"Just the children?" Jean asked, in a strange voice.
He swallowed, the anger fading, leaving behind what had always been at its heart, the sick regret he hadn't allowed himself to feel for more than a moment or two at a time since that day in Hammer Bay. "Not just the children," he rasped, remembering Cable's eyes as he'd stared up at them. It had been like looking into the face of loss, and seeing his own reflection. . .
Jean tossed her hair over her shoulder, and as she did, the red bled out of it, leaving raven black behind. Already fair skin paled further, and green eyes turned bright violet.
"You may not believe me," Domino said, "but I know."
***
The screaming in her mind stopped, and Jean gasped, falling to her knees on the cold stone floor. "Nathan," she said wildly, trying to focus on her surroundings.
She'd seen this place before, in Scott's mind. This high-ceilinged, vaguely temple-like room. . .the statue of Apocalypse, so tall that its head almost vanished into the shadows obscuring the ceiling.
At its feet, Nathan laid crumpled on the floor, his desolate sobs the only sound in the room.
Jean half-crawled over to him. "Nathan," she said shakily, reaching out. "Nathan, it's all right."
#DOM!#
The psionic scream was so overwhelming that Jean felt it like a physical impact. Wincing, she reeled back as Nathan scrambled to his feet, swaying, weeping freely.
"Where is she? What did you do?"
"I didn't. . .Nathan, listen to me. . ."
#DOM!#
"Nathan!" she snapped, getting to her feet. He staggered back from her, and she continued in a gentler voice, trying to project reassurance. "She's not real, Nathan. Not of this is real. . ."
"But it is, you don't understand!" Her son's mismatched eyes met hers, feverish and intent. "It IS her! She waited for me. . .she's been waiting for me, all this time, and now we can be together. . ."
"No. . .no, hon," Jean said imploringly, reaching out and taking his face between her hands. He tried feebly to pull away, but she didn't let go. "I know you want to think that, I know how much you want it to be true. . ."
"It is true, it is. . ."
Tears blurred her vision, but she persisted, shaking her head. "It's not, Nate. I'm sorry." Where had Magnus gone? she wondered wildly. She'd have sensed it, if his astral form had been destroyed. . .
Nathan pulled away, shaking. "I have to find her," he whispered, turning unsteadily to face the statue of Apocalypse. He started to tremble even more noticeably, staring up at it. His hands came up slowly, clutching at the sides of his head, and Jean shuddered at the moan that came from him. "But he's here. . .he's always here. . ."
"Nathan, it's not REAL," Jean said, wiping away her tears. "Apocalypse isn't here. . ."
"He's everywhere." Nathan's voice was barely audible. "She died, and then I couldn't see anything but him. . .I knew you were all there, but I couldn't hold on to anything. . ." His shoulders shook, and he knelt down, seeming to collapse in upon himself. "I can't do it again," he said raggedly. "I can't. . .make the world right again, I can't pick up the pieces and go on. Not this time. Not AGAIN. I can't, Redd. . .I'm so sorry. . ."
Jean approached him carefully, as if he were an injured wild animal who'd run if she spooked him. Her tears were falling freely again, and she didn't try to hold them back. She knelt down beside him, swallowing hard.
"You don't have to do it alone."
"I can't," he moaned. "I can't. . .Dom, please don't leave me. . ."
***
Magnus stared, aghast, at the woman standing before him. "This is impossible," he breathed. "You're. . ."
"Dead?" Domino asked, her mouth quirking slightly. "You would know, wouldn't you?" There was no accusation in her voice, which only seemed to perpetuate the air of vague unreality that lingered around them as they stood in the snow.
"You're not real," Magnus said finally. "You're some. . .creation of his. . ."
Domino started to shrug, but turned her head to the side suddenly, as if something had struck her. Tears glimmered on her cheeks, and Magnus watched her uncertainly. "In a way, I suppose I am," she said softly, not looking at him. "Does it matter?" She stiffened, hugging herself. "Can't you hear him?" she whispered, her eyes closed. "You share part of his mind. . .more than I do, now. . ."
"I don't know what you're. . ."
"I suppose it doesn't matter," Domino said, wiping her eyes and looking back at him. Her gaze was very direct, surprisingly calm. "I wanted. . .needed to talk to you."
"About what?" he asked, almost defensively. He couldn't imagine what she could possibly have to say to him.
"It's simple, really. I want you to leave."
***
Jean wrapped her arms around the shaking form of her son, closing her eyes. It didn't work. It didn't stop the tears, or blind her to the truth.
They couldn't do this. It was too much. She bit back a sob, her eyes tightening around Nathan. They'd asked him to fight for so long, every since he was a baby. Herself and Scott, the Askani.
Fight the virus, fight the Canaanites, fight Stryfe, fight Apocalypse. Put aside everything you'd lost, and keep fighting. . .keep fighting until the fight was all you had, until it was all you were.
Then, fall in love. Find something worth living for again, not just something worth dying for. . .
. . .then lose that something, that single spark of salvation in a night not of your own making. . .
And then be expected to pick up the pieces, start the whole cycle all over again, as if you were some kind of machine, invulnerable and human.
It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. . .
It was too much to ask. All strength was finite. She could drag him back, force him to live and doom him to constant pain. . .she could see the damage, knew at a glance that it could never be fully, or even mostly repaired. It was far, far too late for that. Maybe it had been since the moment he'd collapsed and slipped into the coma. She could deny that, and keep fighting. . .
Or she could let him go.
She swallowed another sob, rejecting the idea violently even as part of her point out how few options she had. "Nate?" she said softly, shakily, stroking his back gently, just like she had when he was a child, sick and restless from one of the unnamed fevers that had raged through the population in the future.
He was whispering Domino's name, over and over.
"I'm here, Nate," a voice came from behind her, and she turned her head to see Domino and Magnus standing there. Magnus gave her an unreadable look and remained where he was, but Domino came over immediately, kneeling down beside them.
Jean met her eyes, met the eyes of this figment of Nathan's tormented mind. . .and suddenly wasn't so sure. "Domino?" she asked hesitantly.
"Yeah," Domino said easily. "Surprise." She looked down at Nathan, and Jean felt herself letting go of him, almost instinctively. Nathan was still huddled, not looking up at either of them, and Domino reached out, brushing his tears away gently. "You really didn't think I'd left." He looked up at her, and her expression changed, froze somehow. "Nate," she said, more softly, and then looked around, up at the statue of Apocalypse, as if she was seeing it for the first time. "Oh," she said, her voice strangely hollow.
Jean could feel the fear that suddenly laced the air. It was sharp, edged with panic and underlaid by a strange, desperate not-quite-disappointment.
Not Nathan's fear.
"It is you," she whispered, and Domino looked back at her, a self-deprecating smile struggling into existence on her features.
"You might say I'm not half the woman I use to be," she answered hoarsely, and then ducked her head, but not quickly enough that Jean missed the tears. "Damn," she breathed. "Nate. . .I knew this was where you'd be."
"He'll always be here, won't he?" Nathan whispered. "Even if I. . ." He shook his head, in obvious denial, and Jean shivered at his soft, despairing laugh. "I can't leave it unfinished, can I? It doesn't work that way. I can't just. . .let myself off the hook."
The walls were growing insubstantial around them, shimmering, flickering. The images that slowly, almost reluctantly took their place between the flickers were terrible, as if they were a combination of every bleak future the X-Men had encountered in all these years. She recognized the future Nathan had grown up in, Bishop's timeline, Rachel's. . .
The statue alone remained solid, dark and grim and unalterable. Looming over them all like Apocalypse himself had loomed over Nathan's life, his presence inescapable, even here on the border between life and death.
"Nate. . ." Jean whispered. "If you go back. . .your mind, there isn't any way we can. . .fix all the damage." He had to know. He had to know the truth, that the constant pain he'd been in all the weeks since Domino's death would never go away.
She wanted him to live.
She didn't want him to suffer.
Two ways out of this, and both of them broke her heart even to think about.
"There isn't any other way, is there?" Nathan said wildly. It wasn't a question. Struggling to his feet, he took a few staggering steps towards the statue, staring up at Apocalypse's face. His voice became numb, expressionless as he continued, as if he was repeating something he'd learned by rote a very long time ago. "That's all there is to my life. It's what I was made for. I'm alive to fight him, and anything else. . .anything else is. . ."
"Your life," Magnus said suddenly, his voice calm and level, yet laden with such emotion that Jean was taken aback, "is your own."
Cable turned to him, still swaying, unheeded tears on his cheeks. His voice, when he spoke, was surprisingly mild. "You should know better. What is this, delusions'r'us?"
***
Magnus smiled faintly at the sarcastic retort. "No," he said, more softly, and glanced down at Domino for a minute. She was very beautiful, he thought, meeting those brilliant eyes shining with tears and feeling another sharp, almost overwhelming stab of regret at what he had done. He forced himself to look back at Cable. . .and if the eyes were the windows to the soul, the gray gaze that met his was a door into Hell, plain and simple. "Only the truth," Magnus breathed.
"The truth? You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you in the ass, you self-absorbed son of a flonq!" Cable covered his face with his hands for a moment, laughing feverishly. "As if I'm any better. We make a hell of a pair, Magnus. . ."
"Listen to me," Magnus said a little more sharply, and Cable looked up at him, almost defensively. He took a cautious few steps towards him, and then continued when Cable showed no signs of backing away. "I'm all too well acquainted with the idea of blood for blood. I've offered you my life twice now," he said steadily. "I've told you to kill me, if that was what you felt you had to do. Why didn't you?"
Cable shook his head, flinching but not pulling away as Magnus reached out and took him by the shoulders. "Because it wasn't. . .I wanted you to suffer, to. . .it wasn't. . .right. . ."
"Once more. . .Nathan. If if it is what you must do, do it. I won't stop you."
"I CAN'T!" Cable wrenched away from him. Almost fell, weeping. Magnus reached out to support him. "I'm not a flonqing Canaanite. . .I won't carry out a blood rite. . .it's as much my fault as yours. . ."
"It's no one's fault, Nathan," Domino said softly, rising to her feet but keeping her distance, as if she didn't want to interfere. Her posture was curiously tense, oddly anticipatory. "I made my choice long before I met you, to live the life I did. You pay your money, you take your chances. . ."
"Choices," Magnus said insistently. "I've made mine as well, Dayspring." He felt his mouth twist in a bitter smile. "Some I wish I hadn't. . .some whose consequences are still drowning me. You have a choice to make, here and now, and no one can take it away from you." Cable's gaze turned back to the statue, inexorably, and Magnus cursed. "No! Look at me, damn you. . .listen to me!"
"What?" Cable snarled, pulling away from him again. "What could you possibly have to say to me?"
Magnus swallowed, and for the first time since that first night, reached out along the link, throwing his mind open for Cable to see what he had to say.
What he was prepared to do.
The face on the statue lingered on his mind, and he imagined it in death, pushed the image out along the link.
*I swear, Nathan. I swear. . .*
Cable's face drained of color. His mouth worked silently for a moment. . .
And the walls came crashing down. Cable's eyes flashed and the link blazed with something truly terrifying. Before Magnus could react, Cable's hand had lashed out, closing around his throat.
And he felt something. . .rip in his mind. The pain was almost intolerable, but lasted only for a moment. As it faded, he realized that something was different. Something was gone that had been there an instant before. . .
He realized, in a mixture of relief and inexplicable sorrow, what it was.
Cable released him, flinging him backwards. Magnus staggered but managed to remain upright. He heard a gasp from Jean, and she was at his side almost immediately, supporting him.
"Magnus, let me see. . ." A presence, in his mind, that froze in shock and withdrew, almost as quickly as it had come. "You removed the link," she whispered, staring over at Cable.
Who was breathing rapidly, his chest heaving as if he'd just run a marathon. "Do you know," he asked Magnus raggedly, "what you just did? Do you have any IDEA how much this will change your life?"
Magnus straightened. "A life for a life," he said roughly. He shook his head, trying to banish the lingering ache.
Cable met his eyes, searchingly. "I believe you," he whispered. "I don't know why I do. . ."
"Magnus, what's going on?" Jean asked urgently.
Domino gave a soft laugh that sounded like it was verging on a sob. "The black knight just turned into a crusader." She walked over to Nathan, taking his hand in hers and staring up at him, a sudden, almost tremulous smile breaking over her features. "I wouldn't worry, though. They make good crusaders, once you get past the attitude. . ."
Magnus looked down at Jean in time to see the understanding dawn on her face. "You promised him you'd. . ." Her eyes flickered to the statue of Apocalypse, and she shook her head slowly. "Magnus. . ." she whispered, almost incredulously.
"Let's not get all maudlin about it, shall we?" he growled irritably.
"No," Domino said in a dry tone completely at odds with the look in her eyes. "We wouldn't want that, would we?"
"But. . .can you?" Jean asked hesitantly.
"If you start spouting nonsense about Chosen Ones and prophecies, Grey, I'm going to become very annoyed with you. . ."
"Anyone with the power to destroy the world can chose to save it, instead," Cable said softly. "I just never thought. . ." He closed his eyes, taking a deep shuddering breath as he reached out to take Domino's other hand. "Thank you," he whispered, and Magnus swallowed, nodding once.
"Forgive me," Magnus said to them both, not hiding the sorrow in his voice, not this time. "If you can."
Cable opened his eyes, and his smile was faint, almost measuring. "I don't know what to say," he said quietly. "Except maybe. . .g'journey. Erik. Bright Lady go with you."
Magnus thought of Rachel. "Oh, I think she'll probably have a few choice words to say about this," he murmured. But then again, perhaps not. He had known Rachel. . .and something told him that she would understand.
Then Jean moved forward from his side, and he watched as mother and son met midway across the space between them.
***
Cable held Jean tightly. "Don't cry, Redd. . ." he whispered, almost pleadingly. "Please. . ."
She trembled in his arms. #I just. . .I wish I knew that this was the right thing to do, Nate. I wish. . .#
#I know. . .# "I love you," he whispered. "Tell Slym. . .and the kids. . ." What was he doing? part of him asked in horror. He was saying goodbye. . .
"I will." She let go of him first, stepping back, her eyes bright with tears. There was no disappointment there, no anger. . .nothing but love and regret. The sight of it eased something within him, something torn and painful. . .not all the way, but a little. "Love you, kiddo," she murmured.
Cable swallowed. She seemed insubstantial already, disappearing as she watched. "Mother," he whispered, giving her the name his heart had called her his whole life. She raised a hand, as if in farewell.
And Domino's hand slid into his. "Second thoughts?" she asked softly.
"I. . ." He swallowed. "I want to do the right thing," he said painfully. "But I'm so. . .tired. I don't know how to live without you, Dom."
She reached out and took his other hand, turning him to face her, away from Magnus and Jean. They were only shadows now, at the edges of his perception. Fading, like ghosts. Like the room around him, like everything in this world that wasn't a world. . .
"All I wanted, after you were gone, was for it to be over. It hurt so much, Dom. I just wanted to close my eyes and let go. . .and now I have, and it's over, and I can't help but think I've given up. . ." he whispered miserably as their surroundings ebbed away into light.
Domino's smile was sudden, almost mischievous, and he blinked at her, not understanding. She reached up, tracing the path of old tears on his cheeks, the smile growing, warming the cold inside him.
Like it always had.
"Over?" she asked innocently, and then leaned up and kissed him, slowly and lingeringly.
All of reality was in that kiss, all the years, the loss and love, all captured in that single moment.
"You didn't honestly think this was the end, did you?" she asked as she leaned back, still smiling.
He opened his mouth to ask her what she meant, but then the light reached out and embraced him, and they were there.
And all the questions had answers, and all the shadows were gone.
Forever.
fin
When the dark woods fell before
me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone
I did not believe because I
could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
The the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Though we share this humble
path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars
Breathe life into this feeble
heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares.
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
'Dante's Prayer', by Loreena McKennitt